The search for love can be maddening and all-consuming. And when you finally meet the person who feels like home, who unlocks pieces of you that you thought you gave away to the ones that came before, you call off the search. For a while, the questions that were maddening, disappear and you float on a cotton cloud, every song on the radio is about you, every plan made for one, now happily adjusted for two. As the relationship deepens, and the haze of hormones lifts, you exchange life stories, and you start to track patterns in each other, questioning each other's past decisions, trying to understand each other or serving as a catalyst for your beloved's understanding of themselves. And then, as though watching you from a corner the whole time, comes rushing back the all-consuming desire to question your own track record with love.
Some conversations stay with you forever. Like the first time you told someone you loved them or being at the receiving end of those words, the time someone told you they'd been unfaithful or that you weren't who they would normally go for, words from the same person, can go from being soothing emotional balm one day to hungry leeches that suck you dry on another. Thanks to Rachel Green (for the 2 people who have no idea what I'm talking about - Friends, season 2 episode 7, ) "closure" became all the rage while I was growing up. Suddenly, now not only did you have a broken heart, you had to call up the other person in this transaction and proclaim your Idon'tgiveashit-ness. I once received one such call from an ex who called to rub my face in a breakup that wasn't even ours. He used the breakup of a relationship of mine that came after ours, to not-so-subtly remind me that I suck. This was such an absurd move that I'm still baffled by it. Assuming that we all agree that the conversations and relationships that break us are the ones that really make us, is "closure" even a possibility or more importantly, a necessity?
Some may argue that closure is putting to bed any resentment or general negativity that comes from a relationship but if your resentment/anger pushes you forward rather than holds you back, is boxing it away or spewing it over the phone, the only way to deal with it? What if we already knew that anger amongst other emotions, was waiting around the bend when a relationship ends. That anger may look like a giant telephone or keypad waiting to transmit seemingly mature messages to exes, but it's nothing but a mirage. The part of you that seeks closure is the ego, and the only part that you need to listen to, to truly move forward is the part of you that still hopes. Hope that the pain will pass, that love will deliver, that someone out there will see you even in the darkest of rooms, the hope to be hopeful again.
All photos by Nadia Michael
Styling by Gaya